It can be hard leaving someone who says they love you, even when you question it. My partner’s behavior started as just emotional manipulation and eventually led to physical abuse. At the time, I was afraid to leave. It’s easy to be an insecure young woman who finds someone who loves her for the first time and latch on for better or worse.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, which deserves more than just a celebratory month. October has been domestic violence’s advocate since 1987, according to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence. Domestic violence isn’t just physical assault—it can be a wide range of abusive behaviors from sexual to psychological to economic.

My experience was cultivated over a period of almost four years, when I was with my partner. After things escalated so far as to physical abuse, I still stayed with him. I was visiting and staying with him for a few weeks in the summer. I had bused or flown to him, so I felt like I couldn’t just leave. I had to stay. I will forever regret this choice.

I imagine having a daughter one day and her telling me her boyfriend had hit her across the face and how I would react. This scenario brings tears to my eyes each and every time. It wasn’t until months later that I left. Finally I cultivated enough confidence and self-worth to understand what was best for me and what I deserved as a human being.

Please understand that I’m not sharing this with you so you can shed tears over me or feel bad for me. I’ve moved on and I’m just trying to use my platform to do some good in the world. Domestic violence can affect people so profoundly and broadly. Many never speak up or speak up too late. We’ve seen this countless times in the news, and we all have to start making a difference.

Less than 50 percent of those who experience domestic violence  reach out for services, according to the Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women. I’m sure many like me have brushed it off and were simply happy to be free and start over. I’m also unfortunately sure that many situations have been far, far worse than my own.

For those of you with positive track records with relationships, domestic violence may have never crossed your mind. It’s not easy to imagine someone who tells you they love you hurting or controlling you. I know I never thought it could happen to me. However, it affects many more than you might think.

The CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS) indicates that millions of Americans are affected by sexual violence, stalking and intimate partner violence each year. Domestic violence is more than just physical violence, though. Like I mentioned, it can be psychological as well. I asked Jen England who is my friend, mentor, professor and also the Director of the Women’s Resource Center here on campus. I wanted to learn more about what counts as domestic violence and where to find help.

Jen explained that domestic violence is really about maintaining power and control over the partner. She showed me the power and control wheel, a well-circulated resource you might have glossed over in high school. It provides numerous examples of different power and control tactics, such as “minimizing, denying and blaming” and “using intimidation.” Jen explained all of that fear, power and control shifts the way a partner understands everything. It can be difficult to see clearly, a reason why so many stay. Jen remarked on those who argue “if it’s so terrible, why don’t you just leave?” Think about if you were constantly being controlled or afraid- it would be difficult to find the courage needed to leave an unhealthy situation.

It’s very important to know your confidential resources on campus. These include Counseling and Health Services and our Chaplain and Rabbi. Another resource would be SOS of Ramsey County, which is a non-profit organization providing outreach, advocacy and support to those affected by sexual violence. As some of you might know, Hamline recently publicly adopted the “Start by believing” mentality. Hopefully this embrace will bring change to our campus, and in turn, put a small dent in sexual and domestic violence across our state and the country.