At some point in my toddler years, like virtually everyone on Earth born in the last three decades, I received Tarō Gomi’s legendary “Everyone Poops” and learned that, yes, everyone does indeed poop. I poop. You poop. From the lowliest squirrels fighting over stale bread in the dumpsters outside Sorin to the mighty Trustee Board fighting over budgets in stuffy board rooms, we all poop. We all pee too, but there isn’t a famously silly book about that. Unlike the squirrels, however, we don’t relieve ourselves outside (unless we’re really, really drunk) and every building on campus is outfitted with at least one porcelain throne. And since we all poop (and pee!) everyone on campus frequents at least one of those bathrooms. In my time here at Hamline, I’ve noticed that the bathrooms range anywhere from acceptable to nightmarish. But which are the best? Which are the worst?

Armed with a notepad, a pencil and a whole lot of Coke sloshing around in my system, I visited every female-accessible bathroom on campus to evaluate the good, the bad and the just plain weird—dorm bathrooms and locker rooms notwithstanding, because you don’t need a published article to tell you about the visceral horror that is the average dorm bathroom. Everyone has their own criteria for what makes a good bathroom—and I won’t try and tell you how to do your business—but when judging bathrooms I took the following things into consideration: lighting, overall odor, size (both of the bathroom itself and the stalls), hook/shelf/counter space and how crowded it gets during peak potty break hours. What crappers made the cut, and which got flushed?

The Worst

3. Bush Library First Floor

It’s utterly baffling to me that the smallest bathroom in the library is also on the most-used floor. With a grand total of two stalls shoved into an area barely the size of a dorm room, this cramped space gets crowded quickly. Unfortunately, that’s not its only sin. Even on a good day it smells vaguely of swamp gas. Combine that with the dim lighting and abundant wetness and all that’s missing is an alligator. What landed it on the worst list wasn’t the smell (you learn how to pee in five seconds while breathing through the mouth), but the lack of room. No counter space, and only one measly hook in the stalls. In the winter with a backpack, jacket, purse or laptop case it means something is going on that dingy, damp floor. All work, no play, and a soggy backpack do not a happy college student make.

2. Drew Science Basement

The basement in Drew Science is, to put it nicely, reminiscent of a serial killer’s lair. The lone bathroom on this floor has the distinction of being the creepiest place to (legally) poop on campus. It is a men’s restroom but since it looked like no living soul had willingly entered it in decades, I went inside anyway. Initially, I was struck by the smell—something like a mix between the State Fair and death itself. It comes complete with horror-movie lighting, old-timey windows and mysterious pipes. On the positive side, it’s quite spacious and the urinals are oddly tall (if you’ve ever had the urge to pee while doing a handstand). On the negative side, it’s terrifying beyond all human comprehension. But if you like pooping to the backdrop of tormented spirits wailing for release, it’s pretty much perfect.

1. Drew Science first floor

Poor Drew Science keeps ending up on here, but Drew Science is also responsible for some truly miserable bathroom breaks, so my sympathy is waned. Anyone who has tried to duck into the women’s bathroom on the first floor at any time other than, say, two in the morning already knows what an absolute horror it is. If Bush Library’s first floor bathroom is a dorm room, than this is a dorm room closet. Even when it’s empty, trying to Tetris yourself into a stall while 10 other girls navigate around you is a literal nightmare. Actually making it inside the stall itself isn’t a great improvement, unless you like the feeling of urinating in a coffin. I’m convinced that the same serial killer who designed the basement also designed the sinks, and it took me an embarrassing two years to figure out how to twist and hold the faucet and wash my hands at the same time. Only use this bathroom if absolutely desperate.

The Best

3. Robbins Science Center Basement

While perhaps not the most beautiful bathroom on campus—the color choices are highway rest station chic—it’s definitely a solid bathroom. It’s well-lit, which is a seemingly obvious prerequisite that other bathrooms on campus are sorely lacking (and the lights aren’t those annoying ones that shut off if you stand still for longer than five seconds, so added bonus right there). It’s also relatively roomy, has more than just a few stalls, and is usually empty. What really elevates this bathroom, however, are the shelves! The glorious, glorious shelves! In addition to the standard hook, each stall has a nice little shelf above the toilet where weary patrons can store their possessions. I’m sure they were intended for storing toilet paper or something, but I don’t care! They’re beautiful.

2. Old Main Second Floor

The building with the least students also has one of the nicest bathrooms on campus. Extrapolate whatever conspiracy theory you want from that. This bathroom has all the rustic charm of Old Main with none of the smell. With large mirrors, a spacious countertop and even a little waiting area (a table and a chair), it’s downright fancy. In an unfortunate twist of fate, the one building that is handicapped-inaccessible also has the roomiest handicapped stall on campus. That stall is a luxury suite, and gets my coveted recommendation as an ideal place to hunker down if you’ve got a brown bear scratching at the door. The shy might dislike the two windows, but I like to think of it like defecating from up on Mount Olympus.

1. Anderson third floor:

The plans for the Anderson Center didn’t skimp on the bathrooms, for which my bowels are infinitely grateful. While nice, the first two floors have a distinct “airport bathroom” atmosphere. The third floor bathroom is smaller, yet still spacious enough to provide plenty of wiggle room. Best of all, less traffic on the third floor = more empty. It’s also outfitted with fantastic lighting, a nice counter space, cute sinks (yes, sinks can be cute), and a nice big mirror. The toilets themselves aren’t too shabby, and are a touch quieter than most of the toilets on campus – most notably, the library toilets that sound like Aquaman’s trying to punch his way out of the pipes every second. Quiet, clean and vacant: this bathroom gets my approval!

The Noteworthy

• East Hall first floor

This bathroom gets a mention for counter space, glorious counter space! Counter space is severely lacking here on campus, and maybe everyone else at Hamline is a mutant and I missed out on that gene, but I sadly don’t have the ability to levitate my makeup bag in midair. The nice little corner alcove in this bathroom provides plenty of room to rest a purse, backpack, dead body, laptop case, scarf or knee as you lean in to reapply makeup (or just get a good look at your fabulous self—no judgement!).

• Fandom Stall (GLC second floor)

In the far back stall in the GLC second floor women’s bathroom, some enterprising and bored bathroom goers have taken it upon themselves to redecorate the stall door with quotes ranging from inspirational to Doctor Who. I’m sure this is a source of constant misery for the janitors, as it seems to get scrubbed away and then mysteriously reappear every semester. Nuisance or nerdy, it provides some small entertainment during an otherwise mundane activity.

• Drew Residence second floor

There are several gender-neutral bathrooms on campus, but this one gets my vote for its location. Here you can defecate comfortably, no matter what you’ve got between your legs or in your heart.